Foreplay is not hugging, kissing, undressing, squeezing of breasts and grabbing buttocks of your wife and moving straight to intercourse, all in a few minutes time.

Foreplay actuality involves, courting and wooing your wife’s sensual responses to build enough sexual desire and urge to achieve sexual arousal necessary for sexual intercourse.

Men are more enthusiastic and have natural sense of urgency towards sex. This attitude becomes counterproductive in their married life.

While men need only erection of penis and will to have sex, for women arousal is established only by expansion, increased elasticity and lubrication of vaginal passage.

Only when such arousal takes place, woman can enjoy sex. Else, the intercourse becomes extremely painful experience. Such painful experience leads to aversion and avoidance of sex.

Hence, arousal is crucial midpoint for sexual interaction between man and his woman.

And therefore, learning the art of foreplay, till she is ‘ready’ for sex is very essential for men.

Trust and emotional intimacy are pre-requisites for woman’s arousal even before she is taken to bed. But actual arousal takes place with physical contacts, caressing, man’s verbal and non-verbal expressions communicating acceptance

Every man must become familiar with this mechanics before marriage.

For men to get ready for sex, they need just the right erection, which they normally get when they come in contact with a woman.

Although in normal circumstances men do not need foreplay for getting erection, they do need continuous stimulation to retain their arousal, until their wife is ready.

With the good observation power, which women generally have, and with experience, a woman can learn very easily what her husband wants and likes.

With the feeling of being dominant partner, men usually tell or guide their wife on where and how to touch.

However, the most effective stimulation man gets is when his wife guides him to touch her various body parts and enjoys the touch expressively.

Enjoying expressively does not necessarily mean screaming, because most circumstances do not make screaming comfortable.

But, woman can convert her scream into convulsive body moments, or exaggerated actions like embracing and probing fingers into his body or clasping his body with legs, in combination to touching where he likes to be touched.

Women should avoid any act or comment during this time which would cause withdrawal of the arousal.

A Woman who understands these sexual responses of man finds key to her long-term loving relationship and successful married life.

When relationship is new, the man gets erection of penis immediately after he comes in contact with wife and is desperate to have intercourse.

Men new to love, assume that their wife will also be aroused at the same time.

Women, who are not aware of this situation, tend to push their husband away to communicate that they are not ready.

This creates confusion in men which could spark strained relationship.

To overcome such situation, woman can take responsibility of her arousal.

Woman can also develop her emotional intimacy and eagerness to want sex, preferably during the time between engagement and marriage. Self-pleasuring is the best tool to explore and understand your sexuality

Identify your pleasure spots, where you would like to be touched.

Do not express irritation or get annoyed when your husband squeezes your breasts. Men have natural attraction towards breasts which is suppressed by them painfully for years. Do not deny or deprive him of this ownership of breasts abruptly.

It is very easy to divert him from your breasts, by asking him to touch your pleasure spots. He will enjoy caressing you when he sees you getting stimulated.

Do not hesitate to express your stimulation. But, don’t exaggerate it just to please him.

Let your body movements express want of touch.

Simultaneously, keep touching him where he guides you to touch.  Arch your body and holding his face on your chest and enjoy the rubbing to bodies. 

With little efforts you will find changes in your groin region and feel the wetness.

You are now ‘ready’ to guide him for intercourse.

Helping your husband for insertion of penis may be necessary sometimes to avoid painful thrust.

Remember, overexcitement can lead to pre-mature ejaculation and intercourse may not happen. This is an embarrassing situation for your husband, which you can handle best with smile and loving gestures.

Once you learn the mechanism of arousal in first few sessions, cultivate it by introducing innovative approaches in touching, caressing and massaging.

The areas of arousal keep shifting surprisingly to keep novelty in sexual act 

Some women are not comfortable when you directly touch their clitoris. This part is highly sensitive and equally painful to touch.

Also do not insist insertion of fingers into her vagina, if she does not like it she will communicate her feelings by keeping your hand away. Don’t take it personally, else you will lose the fun part of sex.

Do not insist on oral sex. Make her comfortable to express her wishes, she will guide you. Married sexual life has different pleasure points which both have to explore and identify in due course.

Preparing Outside Bedroom

Make sure you both had enough rest and have a pleasant mood.

In a pleasant environment, make sure you both even smell fresh and good. Avoid perfumes if your partner is not comfortable with. 

Then, look in her eyes with a pleasant smile.

Hug her gently and kiss her with as much pressure and intensity allowed by her.

Touch her face and move your fingers through her hair.

Tell her expressively that you love her and that she is beautiful.

This part of foreplay is essential even after years of sexual relationship.

When in Bedroom,

Gently start touching her without groping her breasts or buttocks.

As you proceed she will signal you when she is ready for undressing.

She may request you to dim the lights. 

Conceal your temptation to see her naked body. Most women enjoy their sexuality through feelings. She will fulfill your wish as she becomes more familiar with you.

Woman who is new to touch will get aroused faster even without too much of caressing, when you go slow and show no haste for sexual intercourse.

Experimenting with whole body caressing and massaging usually happens in subsequent sessions and then throughout your married life.

Accept her objection, if she does not allow you to touch her groin region directly in the first few sessions.

Whispering loving words keeps her anxiety in control and encourages her participation.

Keep looking at her and tell her how beautiful she is and keep asking if she is enjoying your touch.

She may not answer your questions in words, but she will certainly express how good she is feeling. Observing these pleasurable expressions of your wife are real stimulating moments for you.

Fondling of breasts and caressing around her breast and around the nipples may stimulate her more than squeezing them. She may even allow you to suck her nipples. Do this gently as she guides you, although most women enjoy pain of vigorous sucking.  Nipples become sore when sucked vigorously and may remain painful for couple of days.

Kissing may or may not take place in every session. Go by your gut feeling and not by list of activities

It takes some time for a woman to understand what pleases you. Hence, first few sessions sacrifice your physical pleasures and focus on enjoying her sexual responses to your actions.

When she is aroused you will find her body making convulsive movements and may clasp your body and suggest insertion of penis into her vagina.

To Summarize,

Create a mood and environment for sex.

Start slowly and be gentle, keep speaking loving and appreciative words with honesty. (Praise without honesty is repulsive)

Keep expressing how you are enjoying her touch and keep observing what she is responding to most.

When she is ‘ready’ she will invite you to insert your erect penis.

Technically, foreplay is only preparing your partner for sexual love making. But it has great significance in successful married life

Women cannot get sexually aroused if there is no intimacy. For them, emotional closeness and intimacy has to be achieved before they even think of sexual closeness.

Only with sufficient arousal woman gets her vaginal passage elongated, elastic and well lubricated. And only with sufficient arousal, they can participate in the intercourse and make it enjoyable for them and their partner.

Even with sufficient intimacy, woman needs physical and emotional stimulations ‘of her choice’ to get herself aroused.

Women who have explored their sexuality previously through self-pleasuring are in a better situation to know what stimulates them sexually.

But, those who have never explored themselves depend on their married partner to help in understanding sexuality. In such situations, men should be extra careful in foreplay and control their urgency to have sex until their wife is ready to participate.

Most men in this situation land up in pre-mature ejaculation. Men should never feel embarrassed in such situation and in fact consider this ejaculation as good response to their sexually attractive wife. Such ejaculation must have happened in their life even by just thinking about sex.

In married life, ‘next time’ is always there.

In order to overcome such eventualities, men should not focus on intercourse on the wedding night and keep at least 8 to 10 day’s time after marriage exclusively for achieving mutual understanding of sexuality.

Couples should select locations for honeymoon where they have less of sight seeing and get more time for mutual exploration. This applies even to couples who knew each other for quite some time before marriage.

For couples who had enjoyed sexual relation before marriage can also spend time exploring each other for long term sexual relationship.

In loving relationship, foreplay and ‘honey-moon’ pleasure never ends.

If you suspect your husband to be a victim of porno material, from his unnatural sexual demands, do not condemn him or question him. With availability of internet media, it is quite common for men to be exposed to pornographic material for the purpose of self-pleasuring i.e. masturbation.

This is more true with people who are shy type or do not want to indulge in sex before marriage.

Most men do not opt for pornography once they start getting sexual pleasures from their wife. But some men may take help of this fantasy when they are facing loneliness or extreme urge for sex in absence or non-availability of wife.

Every woman has right to accept or refuse any act of sex which she is not comfortable with.

This may be communicated clearly and politely without hurting his feelings.

Trying out some acts and then refusing them at a later stage should also be acceptable in married life.

Dependence on pornography for arousal is abnormal behaviour in marital relationship, which calls for self improvement or medical advice.

As we move ahead in married life, what we do outside bedroom counts more than what we do inside.

Only when you create willingness for sex outside bedroom, you can get her in bed for sex.

While spending the whole life together, there will be many nights when you may not have sex. But you can enjoy every night by learning to enjoy warmth of togetherness.

Your behaviour outside bed is important. Your honesty, habit of respecting her people, appreciating her even without any reason, keeping enthusiasm in her life alive, makes wonders.

Even a smiling look at dinner, hugging her as many times as you wish, kissing as many times as possible should be a life time exercise.

Finding time to be with her and in later stages to be with children is what she loves.

Make efforts to share work with her. Keeping her relaxed during the day will make your nights better and better.

Your loving words and remembering to celebrate the birthdays and anniversaries, taking her out for exclusive dinner are precious gifts for which she will adore you most.

Soon, even holding hands lovingly will become as sensual as sexual intercourse.

Remember, only a happy person can make you happy.

In short, for successful marriage, courting and wooing never stops and entire life becomes a foreplay.

Don’t expect your husband to know all the rules of love making in the first attempt.

Learning through ignorance, exploration and self experience is as important as learning from his wife.

Let your husband decide which dress should come out first and which one later. Also let him have freedom of deciding how to remove them.

Every man will develop his own style and thrill from undressing his wife.

In the beginning of loving relationship, partly removed clothes of his wife may be enough for him to proceed with the sexual act and still enjoy it.

Stopping your partner while undressing his wife or pushing him away for undressing yourself, could ‘turn him off’ and create confusion and upset him, causing failure in retaining arousal.

There are no rules but most men prefer to undress their wives rather than the act being done by her.

There can also be situations however when both are excited and urgently want to have sex; both can do it simultaneously to each other or take out own clothes in a hurry. This happens especially when both are comfortable with each other. 

Men consider themselves to be ‘always ready for sex’, with experience they learn to keep themselves aroused until their wife gets aroused.

Still, some men need to be stimulated for this erection; usually in later part of married life.

This situation should not be mistaken for lack of love or that you have become less attractive.

In later part of life arousal problems could be because of longer gaps, work load at work, financial stress or some family issues.

Arousal problems in men may also be due to rejections from wife for his initiatives. Some men can express their feelings and try to work out solutions, but, most men feel so disheartened and insulted that they even hate idea of having sex. Some shy type men leave sex at the discretion of wife.

Not all men opt for extra-marital affair or hate their wife or feel their wife less attractive.

In most cases wife can learn to understand their husband and take initiative to restore ability of natural arousal in her husband.

In certain medical conditions like Diabetes and chronic illnesses, person may find difficulty in arousal for which medical advice would be appropriate.

Some men who are victim of pornography or certain fantasy do face difficulty in arousal. This too may need medical attention.

Low sexual arousal is different from low sexual desire

For men, arousal means being able to have and maintain erection sufficient to have intercourse.

For women arousal means being able to get vaginal expansion and lubrication, which is also termed as getting ‘turned on’.

Person is not sexually aroused when they do not respond to sexual touch or stimulation.

Sexual arousal disorder may be confused with lack of sexual desire, which is not true.

Both, men as well as women experience this less or no sexual arousal at least sometimes.

Some women experience lack of lubrication even after sexual arousal.

This may be due to illness, lack of hormones estrogens or testosterone and side effects of certain medication.

Sexual arousal disorder may be due to sexual guilt, hostility, anxiety and relationship problems.

In cases of problems of arousal, sexual desire may be present. Hence, doctor’s help is indicated.

When woman is sexually aroused the tissues around vaginal canal get inflated with blood making it softer and more flexible.

The vaginal canal expands by about 2 inches from its original size to become 6 inches long.

On arousal vaginal wall secretes lubricants which make insertion as well as movement of penis smooth and enjoyable to both the partners.

Average man’s erect penis is about six inches long.  Hence, woman’s arousal is a must to accommodate erect penis, its thrusting and to enjoy intercourse without any discomfort.

If the woman is not sexually aroused the vaginal canal does not expand nor does it become soft.

The walls of the vagina do not secret lubricants hence it remains dry.

Insufficient expansion of vagina causes severe pain during intercourse due to banging of penis against the hard cervix. Non softened and dry walls of vagina make the intercourse even more painful.

Use of lubricant cannot solve this problem because expansion of vagina cannot occur without physical arousal.

This pain is the most common reason in women for lack of interest or desire for sex

In most cases lack of sexual arousal or excitement or inability to get excited, is due to lack of adequate sexual foreplay, inability to get arousal and lack of knowledge about how to get sexual arousal.

Initial anxiety in a new relationship or emotional resistance due to problems in relationship can also result in lack of arousal.

Pain during intercourse not related to above, must be shown to gynaecologist.

Solution

Couples must have taken good rest, and relaxed physically as well as mentally.

He should try non-sexual touching, like holding hand, sitting in closing proximity and anything that does not pressurise a person to have sex.

At least twenty minutes foreplay is required with kissing, caressing, and stimulation of genitals to get sufficient arousal to facilitate actual intercourse.

Working Couples if tired after work may go to bed and plan to wake up early morning. Sex could be more pleasurable when both partners are fresh and wanting to have sex.

While undressing never throw wife’s dress on the floor or scatter them in the room.

Men learn this fantasy of seeing scattered dress from love scenes of most movies. But they are unaware that such scenes are designed to give visual pleasure to men because physical and emotional touch does not exist.

Men should also remember that such scenes are shot in presence of many people around and that too after several takes and retakes. The pleasure out of such sexual act is also part of their acting. Hence, such pleasures should not be expected while in bed with your wife.

In real life, men get true pleasure in foreplay when they see their wife enjoying the touch, and her expression of involvement. This is believed and learned only when person actually gets opportunity to have sex.

Hence, exploring wife’s body for identifying areas of arousal and finding newer ways to stimulate her is secret of keeping the sex life alive for entire monogamous married relationship.

Most couples are fine sexually to begin with but develop low sexual desire because of

1.   Relationship problems like betrayals, non intimacy,

2.   Restrained relationship due to disagreements, resentments over daily
household chores, kids, money, in-laws, communication issues or sexual pressure.

3.   One partner has little or no arousal, or sometimes slow arousal.

4.   One partner does not get orgasm.

5.   Couple is not attracted towards each other or have lost their attraction.

6.  Sexual pain leading to lack of sexual pleasures.  Hence, sexual desire is suppressed

7.   Medical reasons inhibiting sexual desire like depression, infection, panic
disorders, stroke etc.

8.   Psychological barrier like strict religious background leading to sexual guilt

9.   Forced marriage, past experience of distrust, previous broken affair or
marriage

10.  For medical and psychological reasons, appropriate therapy is
recommended

Sex drive in both men and women is controlled by the brain, but is triggered by hormones called androgens, the commonest of which is Testosterone.

Testosterone is often called the ‘male sex hormone’ because it is produced by a man’s primary sex organ, i.e. the testes, and also because it is responsible for secondary sexual characteristics of men like growth of facial hair, voice breaking etc.

Women also produce testosterone and other androgens, from the adrenal glands, located on top of the kidneys, and some are made by the ovaries.

Although levels of testosterone are higher in men than in women, this does not mean that men have a higher sex drive.  This is because level of Testosterone essential to ensure adequate sex drive is available both in men as well as women.

Less-than-normal level of Testosterone will reduce the sex drive both in men as well as women.  This may occur, following illness or as a consequence of the menopause in some women..

In some cases, especially in late middle age, Doctors prescribe testosterone, in the form of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) to their male or female patients to restore their sexual drive.